relationships
Relationships can enrich our lives like nothing else can or, depending on their quality, cause us untold misery. So what makes the difference? Why do some work very well while others just don’t?
Communication
Honesty is probably right at the core of a good functional relationship. We do need to be completely honest with ourselves about what we want from our relationships – which is not necessarily what anyone else may want. Next, we should really be open with our partner and begin to share our most intimate stuff with him or her.
Truth is essential if we are to create the necessary trust. Trust will allow respect to develop and, in its turn, enable love and a feeling of security to follow. Intimacy is of course the great prize to be won, but it really does start with us expressing the truth. This is, of course, not always as easy as it sounds. The process may require that we make ourselves vulnerable and, at times, we may even need to risk losing everything. It can be very scary stuff, but then a fear of intimacy usually means a fear of the truth.
A Winning Formula
As partners, it is helpful for us to create for each other the sort of secure atmosphere that makes it comfortable to express our individual truths. We need to be most supportive of our mate, and to let go of our judgements of the past. We should also let go of our need to control our outcomes. Each relationship is quite unique and we sometimes need quite unique solutions to make them work. Always remember to focus on the solution rather than the problem. We usually end up getting the things we focus on.
If, for some reason, you feel unable to open up to your partner, you should perhaps ask yourself how important the relationship is to you. What else might you be willing to lose – besides your self-esteem, that is? Your truth is far more pertinent than anyone else's, so make every effort to get to know what it is. Only once you’re in touch with it can you really own it and begin to express it.
We should, of course, not be defined by our relationships, unless perhaps we choose to be. The ones that tend to work best in the long run are those between two fairly independent people, particularly between two people who are both comfortable within themselves. Isn’t this yet another compelling reason for us to get to grips with our own truth?
Negative, hurtful and sarcastic words are abusive and can irreparably damage our intimacy, so it’s important to speak our truth with sensitivity and consider our remarks carefully before we make them. It’s alright to agree to disagree, but it's certainly not our job to fix our partners. We should instead just take whatever he or she says at face value, and try to avoid reading things into a situation. It’s only possible to work with what is real, not with our own imaginings.
How Good is Your Relationship?
If your relationship feels secure, is truly intimate and is getting better all the time, it’s at very least functional. Please then don’t let a single day go by without showing just how much your partner means to you. Appreciation and gratitude have their own magical power - the more we express them, the more we find in our lives to celebrate.
If, however, you don’t feel intimate and secure with your partner and you seem not easily able to put things right in the short term, perhaps it is worth getting some outside help before the situation deteriorates further.
Help
I now offer a six-session, personalised relationship-improvement course in which I work with my clients on either a one-to-one or a two-to-one basis. Together we identify and deal with the underlying causes of relationship issues and any unhelpful patterns of behaviour we may have learned over time. We also examine the underlying beliefs we have about our self and our partner and learn to effectively control inappropriate emotions.
Generally, we are all able to heal our underlying pain, learn to let our feelings subside and adopt new helpful strategies, which we can effectively employ in our relationships. We can also learn how to develop true intimacy. Most of us have a surprising ability to calm ourselves and to not only control our outward behaviour but also our internal responses. Hypnotherapy and NLP are excellent tools for helping us deal with both the symptoms and the underlying causes of many of our relationship issues.
Please use this link to view my fees page, or this link to make a time to see me. (I do, of course, understand that it is important for you to find the right person to work with, so feel safe in the knowledge that I won’t charge you for your first visit if, by the end of it, you decide that my way of working is not quite right for you.) Should you have any questions, or should you just wish to speak to me about this (or anything else), please feel free to send me an e-mail or to just call me on 020 7734 4000.
